Understanding the unsaid aspects of consent

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This consent article has two parts. The first,” Consent: how to apply it on a daily basis? ” focuses on what consent is, while the second deals with how to apply it on a daily basis.

What is consent?

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More or less automatically, when we say consent, we think of sexuality. We think of the slogans “No means no” or “Without yes, it's no”. We remember the revelations that the #MeToo movement gave rise to, as well as the debates on sexual and domestic violence. However, this question goes beyond “yes”, “no” or sexuality.

Consent isn't just for survivors and abusers. It is everywhere: in the small decisions of daily life and in all relationships, whether family, friends, love or professional. It is precisely because it affects everyone that it is more difficult to put into practice in daily life. Numerous challenges make consent difficult to apply, experience, and share.

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Social pressure

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Among these challenges, there is social pressure, especially felt by Annick*. Teaching French to adults at the Montreal School Services Center (CSSDM), the young woman has a free, open and honest conception of relationships. She thus tends to define herself as a libertine. She tells us about an evening where she refused the advances of a man. “I went to dinner with a couple of friends. At some point she went to bed and I stayed with him. He tried to kiss me, but I refused.

According to my friends, I should have left when she went to bed, I should have felt the tension between him and me, she says, wondering what she did wrong. However, I felt that I had made a big breakthrough, because I said no and stuck to it! ”

She explains that she continues to accept things that she later regrets or to consent to have sex without really wanting to, because that's what the other person expects of her. “It's hard to see someone without expecting us to sleep together,” she says.

Annick therefore has the impression that she accepts especially in order not to disappoint, to meet the expectations we have about her, and feels that these different pressures have an influence on her choice or make it confusing. “When you are a woman, you are under strong pressure that affects our decisions,” she says sorry.

“It's not just for men to question themselves. Socialization remains binary, patriarchal, and sexist. We are raised in these problematic relationships: women who know what they want are scary, it is up to the man to be strong and to “try himself”, explains Nesrine Bessayh, anthropologist and editor, with the collective La CORPS feminist, of Corps accord: guide to positive sexuality. So that consent is not just a theory that is being studied, she would like to see the issue of consent popularized.

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From education to consent

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Consent begins in childhood, and its absence can lead to sexual violence as early as schoolyard. While the mandatory sex education courses introduced in 2018 are encouraging because of their more positive and diverse approach, Kharoll-Ann Souffrant, a social worker and doctoral student in social work, finds them insufficient. In her opinion, filling these gaps means that the concept of consent should not only be addressed in sexual terms, but that it should also be extended to everyday life.

“We should develop the ability of young people to say that they do not feel comfortable as well as their sensitivity and the ability to listen to others”, she explains to explain that consent must become a concrete reality before being taught. That's what Valérie and François are trying to do with their children. “I want my daughters, like my boys, to develop the habit of asking and feeling free to give their consent — and to do so in an informed manner,” explains Valérie.

“If we go out, I remain democratic. I listen to their ideas, even though I always have the right to veto as a parent,” François continues. Valérie and François have been in a relationship for seven years.

Aged 39 and 40, they are each the parents of two children and had a daughter together. They live in Joliette and, in their relationship as in their family, consent is everywhere. They communicate a lot and regularly review the rules of their life together and their boundaries. “We change all the time; so something that was previously acceptable to me may stop being acceptable to me and vice versa.”

Far from being flawless, they can also have bottlenecks. “Sometimes I can be uncomfortable and unable to express myself logically. It can take me up to a few days to think before talking to François,” says Valérie.

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Consent also involves actions

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François adds that he is constantly careful because, even after years, he is still afraid of doing harm. Like other men, he is afraid to cross Valerie's boundaries without knowing it, even when she accepts. Because consent is not only verbal. It is also expressed physically, that is, through gestures, attitude, in short, through non-verbal language, which represents 90% of communication.

Do we not like a proposal? You fold your arms, you back up, your voice gets lower, but you end up accepting so as not to hurt the other person, because it's not that bad or because the other person is really enthusiastic.

Listening to the non-verbal is not always easy, so much so that it can be useful to ask for oral confirmation. This is the approach that François takes when he is not sure.

“I always try to get explicit consent by asking lots of questions and reassuring the other person as much as possible so that they feel comfortable saying no to me,” he explains. Indeed, for her partner to say “yes” does not necessarily mean that she totally agrees. To be valid, consent must be free, informed, and enthusiastic. “Enthusiastic” because the person who consents must know themselves, know what they like and don't like, and understand their desires.

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Enthusiastic consent

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Valérie and François' lifestyle is proof that consent is applicable on a daily basis and in all relationships. However, their approach requires significant questioning. We all remember situations where we may have consented without really wanting to, times when we acted without paying attention to the fact that the other was not completely enthusiastic. But who has already thought about it more deeply, going beyond the couple or the sexual relationship, in order to change the way they think and act?

Jordan* is a 39-year-old graphic designer. Recently single, he lives alone in a studio in Montreal.

Our discussion leads him to think about consent and its relationships. He says that he has changed a lot as he got older. When he was younger, he paid less attention to the consent of the women he frequented, not because of abuse, but because of lightness and carelessness. Jordan also explains that, like many others, he has sometimes forced himself, to consent without envy to the desires of his partner. “As a man, there is the fact that you don't want to look bad, that you want to satisfy the other person,” he reflects. His story echoes that of many other individuals.

Sometimes it can be difficult to fully understand your desire or to know how to express it. This is because consent involves two operations: understanding one's own desires, needs and discomforts, but also knowing how to share them with others. For some, developing self-awareness is a major challenge.

This may be the case of those who put the happiness of others before their own or those whose routine dominates so much that they no longer listen to their bodies. For others, communication is the problem.

Saying no to the other person may offend or disappoint them. And there is also the risk of revealing a sensitivity or vulnerability that you were not educated to show. So how do you get to know yourself and express yourself?

In the second part of this article, we'll present a series of ideas and initiatives for practicing, implementing, and popularizing consent.

*In order to preserve the anonymity of these people, their first name has been changed.