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At the unfortunate rate at which feminicides are multiplying in Quebec, the movement against violence against women is gaining momentum in the media. Men are speaking out more and more about this, and this phenomenon is causing a stir. Some see it as a symptom of a more serious problem. Marina Mathieu, an Afrofeminist activist and communication consultant, takes a critical look at the situation. “Unlike men, women do not seem to me to have put themselves forward.
On the other hand, I have seen a lot of women question whether men are carrying the message, she says. I don't understand that they are given so much space without seeing the problem in that.” She wonders if men can occupy so much space without realizing that this space should be shared or distributed.
Kharoll-Ann Souffrant, a social worker and doctoral student in social work, focuses on the issue of violence against women as part of her research and teaching. She believes that men should be part of the solution, because they are also part of the problem. “You can't talk to women all the time; you have to include men too,” says Ms. Souffrant, who believes, however, that it must be done in a certain way.
“There is a tendency to take a stand outside the problem,” she explains. When people present themselves as the heroes of the story, and it's not about them, it causes discomfort.”
Talk to change
For Will Prosper, Rito Joseph, Ricardo Lamour and Thierry Lindor, the instigators of the Talk to Your Boys initiative, the death of Rebecca Harrison, who was killed by her spouse, is “the straw that broke the camel's back”. Since last February, in the wake of The Camara Affair, the four public figures, who became friends, got into the habit of having long telephone conversations to discuss issues that affect communities.
That's how the Talk to Your Boys campaign was born, which invites men to have conversations, reduce patriarchy and sexism, and review how they act. Launched recently, the movement quickly gained momentum. The group sees the direct effects of such a project on the public. The initiative is particularly appealing to young men, who engage and confide in each other and take part in the discussion.
“The real power of Talk to Your Boys is its ability to infiltrate toxic masculinity, which has existed for too long in our communities”, notes Thierry Lindor. Like his colleague Will Prosper, he wonders if those he is talking to would have felt so strongly called out by female figures known for their speeches. “I am not saying yes or no,” he answers honestly. He is quite happy with the result and the fact that people seem to like the fact that he is using his platform for this purpose.
“The cause is not popular, especially with men; it happens when we talk about something that makes them individually uncomfortable,” he argues.
Behind the media attention
The success of Talk to Your Boys was felt everywhere and enjoyed great media visibility. NDP leader Jagmeet Singh wore a campaign shirt the last time he appeared on the show Everyone is talking about it. “The aim was never to want attention,” adds Thierry Lindor. We just wanted to meet men and boys. Our heart was in the right place. It started from there and it exploded.”
He believes that at least this visibility makes it possible to get the message across to men. The situation seems familiar for Alexandrine Beauvais Lamoureux, an international law student. “I hope that this tendency to listen more to men on subjects that, in practice, do not affect them will be questioned,” she declares. For the Collège Jean-Eudes alumna, the cause is the hypersexualization of young girls with their uniforms.
Last fall, high school boys mobilized to denounce gender bias by wearing skirts. The initiative caused a stir in the establishment and was reported in the media. Ms. Beauvais Lamoureux referred to the fact that the boys behind this movement had been invited to participate in programs, but that very few women had been heard about it.
“We often give the microphone to men. Certainly, they have the right to have an opinion, and I am not questioning their credibility, but it might be interesting to have a female perspective on the issue,” she says. Far from her intention is to criticize the movement itself. It's a noble action, it's great to see that boys are allies of the feminist cause, that they want to campaign, that they are aware of their privileges and that they want to use them to help women emancipate themselves,” she underlines. It's the difference in treatment, reception, and perception that bothers when women make claims.
“People who have decision-making power are only going to be inclined to listen to these speeches when young men are the ones who are wearing them. I find it sad,” she regrets. Following the reaction of the school, which said it was proud of the boys who took action, Alexandrine Beauvais Lamoureux and several alumni of Collège Jean-Eudes mobilized to write an open letter, published in Le Devoir, and express yourself on social networks.
“We only got media exposure thanks to the opportunities we created ourselves,” she believes. Ms. Beauvais Lamoureux also made the decision to contact management to discuss this issue, which led to the action plan she is working on.
Where are the women?
Thierry Lindor believes that Talk to your boys does not bring anything new.
“These are things that have been said by stronger, smarter, more resilient, braver than us,” he said. Will Prosper agrees, adding that he certainly does not want to overshadow the women who have supported this movement for a long time.
“We make sure to do this work so as not to add to the work of women, and to honor their work,” he summarizes. According to Mr. Lindor, the four instigators, who each have their own areas of expertise, could have stuck to what they do best. Instead, they chose to use their platforms for the cause.
“We are trying to push this conversation forward and to make people understand its importance, while knowing that our role is not to replace women,” he explains. Instead, he wants to use his privileges to amplify their voices, for example by sharing resources developed by women, on the advice of women, and by inviting them to speak out on his platform. “We are at the beginning of a necessary discussion,” he says. We want to do that by raising female voices.”
If the tragic events encourage rapid action, Marina Mathieu wants the work to be done more proactively in the future. “You can't just talk about violence because you're reacting to the deaths of women. What led to this situation? ” she asks. The consultant names, for example, mental health, which she believes should be at the center of the discussion.
Most of the time, this aspect is addressed by women, who work in the background.
“Women are at the forefront of these initiatives; we can't just react to problems, because we are experiencing them.”
Far from the spotlight
For many women, it is difficult to trust men who participate in the public debate. Marina Mathieu is concerned that men who speak up are not necessarily aware of their own behaviors resulting from toxic masculinity. “They need to talk to themselves before talking to each other,” she says.
“It's important to see how the person behaves in private. Behind closed doors, how do people deal with women in general? ” analyses Kharoll-Ann Souffrant in turn. This transparency is necessary. “I believe in redemption, in restorative justice, everyone makes mistakes and can learn.
It's all in how you do it. Before talking about others, you have to take responsibility for your actions and words, and apologize,” she concludes. Thierry Lindor and Will Prosper have begun personal reflections, and a journey on this subject since their beginnings, they tell us during an interview. They believe that the four representatives each do individual work, including training.
“In two weeks, I have learned more than in the last 30 years of my life, and I take it for granted”, reports Thierry Lindor. The process led him to revisit his past and analyze every relationship he had with women—romantic, friendly, professional, and others—that he might have had. For Will Prosper, it's part of the job. He reflects on the behaviors that men sometimes have. “Are we going to be quicker, if it's a woman?
Are we going to want to dominate and turn off his voice? Am I really going to listen or just repeat what she said and take her idea? ” he asks. While conversations about toxic masculinity are new for many, they are also new in many ways for the initiators of Talk to Your Boys, who are not immune to questionable behavior.
“You don't have to think you're perfect. We are constantly thinking about how we can improve. It means going back and talking,” continues Will Prosper. His colleague agrees. “We know we're clumsy. The fight is starting, we're going to make mistakes again. People are asked to have patience, not pity. We really want to change things.”
An intersectional divide
“It's not men versus women. They are people against oppression who unite,” believes Thierry Lindor. He believes that the fact that four racialized men took this initiative says a lot. “For a black man, it may be easier to understand the oppression that women are experiencing, because he also experiences oppression,” he says. Marina Mathieu does not feel this unity.
“You yourself work for the cause of all, without getting everyone involved in the process,” she says about women who feel left behind. She wants to get people to question themselves more, especially about how they do things. “It's my right to ask, because they speak for me by saying that we are speaking for our communities.” Several black women we spoke to told us about their experiences with the “misogynoir” they experience in speaking out — a term coined by researcher Moya Bailey to refer to distrust and prejudices against black women.
We are told that this phenomenon is often internalized, even in black communities. “Violence is not just physical or psychological abuse. It's the lack of recognition for the work and initiatives of black women,” says Marina Mathieu. “What are we continuing today? How did you contribute to oppressing me or “making me invisible”? ” she asks the Allied men.
Nevertheless, the danger of erasure is very real. Kharoll-Ann Souffrant reminds us that we often forget that the #MeToo movement was launched by Tarana Burke. “She founded it precisely because no one protects black women, and we often see the same thing,” she notes. We can also mention the Black Lives Matter movement, founded by three black women and Queers, or the fact that one of the first shelters in Canada was opened by a black woman, Senator Anne Cools. “We must protect all black women, even those who question us, who have the courage to denounce our contradictions,” adds Ellemme Mathieu fears that the same relationships could be repeated.
“We create organizations that reproduce the same problematic hierarchical structures that we denounce elsewhere,” she says. It is also difficult to share space and to act strategically collaboratively when so little is given to Black people in public spaces. “Unfortunately, it contributes to the “invisibility” of the most vulnerable people in our communities.”
“I would like Black Aboriginal women to tell us how we can do better,” says Thierry Lindor. “We get away from it, but it's not bad faith. It comes from a desire for change,” he continues. Will Prosper also hopes to come together. “I am a big believer in a variety of tactics. I look at a lot of allies — white people — to see how they have Dealé with the anti-racism movement. It's an inspiration,” he tells us. But is it up to women to teach men about their behaviors?
Several women we spoke to think that men need to do their own introspection to deconstruct their toxic masculinity before asking women to do this work for them.