Can we arm ourselves against domestic violence?

Nancy experienced domestic abuse alone. She never went to the police or to a counsellor.

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“It was my first relationship, I had no way of comparing,” says the 15-year-old when it all started. “My boyfriend was in love with everyone, but as soon as we closed the door at home, it was hell,” recalls Nancy, who preferred to keep her last name quiet to protect herself and her children. This hell lasted 10 years and ended with the suicide of her abusive spouse.

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At least, this hell has come to an end, as it took years for the young mother to recover and realize what she had been through. “I knew that what had happened had hurt me, because I fell into depression after she died, but not to that extent,” she continues. When she told her story to an aunt, she said, “Why didn't you come see me? It is appalling! ”

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Why didn't she get help? “I had learned to take care of myself, I didn't even realize that I needed help,” she continues. Nancy is far from the only one who got by without help, in the solitude and isolation that domestic violence brings. Nor is she the only one who has been trapped by her relationship.

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In Quebec, one woman out of five is a victim of domestic violence in her life. And among them, some are paying with their lives, like Rebekah Harry, who was murdered by her partner on 23 March. At 29, she became the seventh woman to die at the hands of her spouse since the beginning of 2021.

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Impossible to detect

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Each story of domestic violence is different, each story illustrates a new facet. And it is this diversity that makes it complex to detect. “It is impossible to discern the first signs of domestic violence. Everyone makes mistakes in life,” reassures us Claudine Thibaudeau, clinical support manager and spokesperson for SOS Violence Conjugale.

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“The victim is drowned in the manipulation. It creates a kind of fiction. Domestic abuse is hard to see for what it is,” she explains. Women who call SOS Violence Conjugale often minimize what happens to them, adds Ms. Thibaudeau.

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Domestic abuse is not only physical

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Demystifying the idea of the beaten woman is the challenge for the workers: domestic violence is invisible and therefore undetectable. During their interventions or in the shelters, they all work to make women aware of the diversity of this violence. Many actions and behaviors leave no marks, but are violent.

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“We need to show that domestic violence is not just physical! and “Just because you don't have bruises doesn't mean you're not suffering from domestic violence,” the women we spoke to repeat one after the other.Cassandra* is an educator specializing in mental health and domestic violence. Her experience did not protect her from her toxic relationship, which she is still trying to heal from. She met her attacker in June. As in most cases, domestic violence did not happen overnight, and her partner was not violent from the first date. “At the beginning, it was over; it was a great encounter,” she says.

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Gradually, he reveals himself to be jealous, harassed her, invaded her apartment, controlled her physical appearance and relationships, isolated her from family and friends, and spied on her. “I didn't wash anymore, I didn't eat anymore; I lost seven pounds. I no longer take the same path to work. It takes so long to get over it. Everything has been shattered: trust, self-esteem. You have to rework everything,” testifies Cassandra. Today, months later, she is still off work due to post-traumatic shock.Domestic violence is not limited to beatings.

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It is also verbal, economic, sexual, and psychological. And in this last, impalpable form, it settles gently and insidiously. And can become the most brutal and most upsetting for the victim.

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Domestic violence or marital quarrel?

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Thanks to their experience, the workers have ways to help the women who come to see them. “You have to look at the intention behind the argument. Is he always the one who wins? ” explains Roxane Prénovost, coordinator of Passe-R-Elle, a help and accommodation center in the Hautes-Laurentides. Is the intention to bully the other or just to exchange to resolve a conflict? “In a chicane, violent words and actions are spontaneous.

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In a case of domestic abuse, they are intentional. There is a desire for control and dominance,” Ms. Prénovost continues. The second thing to observe, in order to differentiate them, is the effect. “With domestic violence, the victim is afraid of the other person's reactions. What consequences do I risk, even if they are not physical? You don't apologize, you justify yourself,” explains the coordinator to remind you that it is never normal to be afraid of your spouse.

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Beyond guilt: understanding the cycle

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To better understand domestic violence is also to understand that it occurs in cycles: tension, violent acts, excuses and reconciliation. “He told me that I was the only person who mattered, but called me an idiot every day,” Nancy continues. This violence forces her to justify herself, apologize, and blame herself.

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She says that one day, her abusive former spouse exploded after she spent an afternoon chatting with an ex at the village carnival: “I was devastated, I would have liked to disappear. How could I have been so mean to him?

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I apologized constantly, I so wanted him to forgive me for being so careless and for hurting him so much.” The insults subsided, the tension subsided. They talked and made up. But that did not last and, as always, tensions returned.

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“This cycle suggests that the woman is still guilty. The honeymoon phase is fueling hope that the situation will improve. And that's normal, because you fell in love with your spouse,” summarizes Ms. Prénovost. The women we met emphasize one thing: “You should not be ashamed of it.” According to Ms. Prénovost, women are socialized to take control of themselves and adapt to the needs and anger of others.

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“Saving the couple is also something we carry on our shoulders”, continues the coordinator in order to relieve the guilt of the victims. In a context of violence, it may seem easier to accept, tolerate, and say nothing than to confront the other person and risk reprisals.

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Breaking the cycle

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On average, it takes seven or eight breakups to get out of a toxic relationship for good. Witnessing this situation helplessly can be very frustrating for friends and family, but friends and family need to stay. “Relatives are a source of power. The less isolated the victim is, the more secure they are,” advises Claudine Thibaudeau, from SOS Violence Conjugale. “Giving power back to women” is for her the key advice in a situation of domestic violence.

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She and her team therefore work to put into words what women are experiencing, to equip them and to give them choices. “Often, the first instinct of family members is to make the woman who is the victim of violence realize that she should not tolerate the situation”, says Ms. Thibaudeau. We want to do everything possible to get her out of the cycle and get her to leave her abusive partner. Here, Ms. Thibaudeau calls for caution: “If I force her to adhere to my vision of the situation, I too am behaving violently.”

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She therefore advises respecting the victim's rhythm, accompanying and supporting them, rather than telling them what to do. It is the best way to restore power. “You have to give choices, not solutions,” she continues.

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The role of loved ones

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“We have to stop judging the battered women who are left behind! When it comes to domestic violence, we are all alone. Honestly, if he were still alive, I would not be at ease,” implored Nancy. The mother of the family adds that she would have liked to have been able to talk about it to understand that her former boyfriend did not have to control the way she dressed and how she socialized.

“I would have been able to regain control,” she says. This is what she tries to transmit to those around her, especially to young people. Another fundamental piece of advice that can be given to loved ones is to think about the safety of the victim. “There is a false belief that, if the woman leaves, she will be safe. But that's not always the case. This can sometimes happen years later,” reports Claudine Thibaudeau, from SOS Violence Conjugale.

In many cases of domestic violence, separation does not mean release. It is after the breakup that the woman may run the most risk. “If the person hesitates to leave, it is because she knows that she will be more in danger by leaving her partner,” explains Ms. Thibaudeau.

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Healing can take a long time

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Beyond the direct violence of the ex-spouse, we must consider the weight of the judicial and legal process, as well as the psychological consequences of the toxic relationship. You can get out of a domestic violence situation and remain traumatized for years.

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It took Nancy 20 years to stop “wanting to cry”.

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Her daughter, the oldest of her children, still suffers from the lack of a fatherly love that she has never known. “There is no cure for domestic violence,” said all the women victims of domestic violence we have met. For Nancy, as for the others, it is not because domestic violence marks a red-hot life that we must not do everything possible to fight it. Their motivation?

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Stop the repetition of these patterns of violence from generation to generation.* To respect the anonymity of survivors, we changed their names.

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Whom to contact? How can I get help?

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‍If there is one number to remember, it is that of SOS Violence Conjugale: 1-800-363-9010.

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Les shelter houses are also there to answer calls and requests as well as to welcome you if you decide to leave your home and have nowhere to go.

• You can go to the site of Group of homes for women victims of domestic violence to find member homes across the province.
• One List of houses offering services in Canada can also be viewed at Cliquezjustice.ca.

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In emergency situations, you have to call the 911.Some resources

• The site sosviolenceconjugale.ca offers several tool articles for victims and their loved ones, but also games on the site cestpasviolent.com And a interactive questionnaire with 25 questions.

• Women's centers are also there to help women who need it. They don't just help victims of domestic violence. They do not offer accommodation.

• If you think you are dealing with a manipulator or that you are in danger, Maison Mirépi has established several lists for you: Thirty characteristics of the manipulator And Hazard Assessment Indices.
• Immigrants, they, can communicate with the Immigration Legal Aid Office.
• The refugees can contact the Regional Program for the Reception and Integration of Asylum Seekers (PRAIDA) by calling 514 484-7878, extension 5.
• To understand domestic violence (definition, cycle, consequences and advice), the Regrouping of houses for women victims of domestic violence created this Page.