Domestic violence and toxic relationships: how to get help?

What options do women in toxic and violent relationships have? There are shelters, numerous discussion groups or workshops: so many opportunities to break isolation, talk, feel listened to and understood, regain control of your life, get back in control of your life, get safe, find refuge.

The most difficult thing is to know them, to find them and to take the plunge. That is precisely the motivation behind the Marathon of words against domestic violence, which starts on November 25, 2021, at the same time as 12 days of action against violence against women. Talking about domestic violence over and over again to inspire, to instill the idea of getting help from a doubting woman. “It's not that bad.” “Other women need it more.” “Am I exaggerating? ”

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“These are houses for battered women.”

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These are all sentences that women experiencing domestic violence can say to each other. Before making up their mind and entering a women's shelter and shelter, they face entrenched, entrenched psychological barriers. Breaking these stereotypes is the fight of the dedicated workers at Maison L'Esther, in Laval, and Maison Hina, in Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu, who opened their doors to us.

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They would like to be able to shout that everyone belongs there, that their services are free, that you can just come and have a tea and talk, if you want to. Help and shelter homes for women victims of domestic violence are a free service offering shelter or simply help to women caught up in violent relationships. Whether you are in danger, whether you are wondering, whether you need a break, whether you then return with your spouse or not, the 80 houses that exist in Quebec are accessible to everyone.

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‍Escape from prison

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‍“I am happy to have had this help. Without her, I would not have been able to stand up to my ex-spouse, I would have given up. The shelter saved my life,” says Chloé*, a health professional who prefers to remain anonymous to avoid having her colleagues and the father of her two children recognize her. She lived 11 and a half years with her former spouse. The problems and the moments of emotional abuse have piled up. The young mother had been unhappy for a long time, but everything intensified in 2020 with the pandemic. “In the end, I was no longer able to eat, I no longer answered the phone to avoid a quarrel”, she testifies on the phone in a delicate voice. When she manages to leave her spouse, the Montrealer does not understand what is happening to her. “It's as if I were escaping from prison,” she testified on the phone in a delicate voice. When she manages to leave her spouse, the Montrealer does not understand what is happening to her. “It's as if I were escaping from prison,” Chloé confides to us.

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Only then does she know that she wants to end conflicts and, above all, she thinks about her children. It was her worried mother who suggested that she go to a shelter while she could find a new home for herself and her children and to resolve custody issues with the father. From the outside, this house she has to go to looks like a new prison, austere and unwelcoming. That's because the workers at the institution can't let anything appear — to protect the women and children they care for. Chloé doesn't know anyone and doesn't know at all what awaits her. But once she steps through the door, a new universe, made of kindness and listening, opens up to her.

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‍A woman who welcomes a woman

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‍“We ask them, 'What do you need? Do you need to eat? Do you want a nice coffee?” ”, tells us Chantal Arseneault, coordinator of Maison L'Esther in Laval and president of the Reunification of Homes for Women Victims of Domestic Violence. From the boudoir of the house, the former counsellor explains her work to us with passion. She says that the arrival protocol depends on each woman. “Some want to take care of their safety right away, because they are worried about it.

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Others want nothing more than to sleep,” explains the coordinator. She insists: “The first contact is made in a human way. Beyond all the intervention and safety sheets, I am a woman who welcomes a woman.” In order to absolutely guarantee the safety of women, a strict security protocol is applied, even at the time of arrival, so that the address of the establishment remains secret.

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Then it's the house tour. Little by little, the women show up to each other, and the old residents help the new ones. The food is provided by the house. “The women make us a grocery list; we buy what they want,” explains Nathalie Villeneuve, director of Maison Hina in Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu.

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The house is full of life: we hear the screams and laughter of children, a woman cooks her dinner, a program is on television, there is a leftover cake on the counter, and the workers are busy maintaining the building. There are games for children everywhere, the walls are decorated and colorful, sprinkled with information about the house and tips for getting better.

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‍A new home

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‍At first, Chloe felt uncomfortable bringing her children, but her son and daughter quickly felt at home. Two days after their arrival, Chloé's daughter celebrated her third birthday.

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“All the speakers came into the kitchen, they all had gifts. The moms baked the most beautiful cake I had ever seen. Everyone came to sing. My daughter felt like a queen! ” says Chloé with emotion.

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“There is the idea that houses are prisons, but it's like home! Women continue to work or study,” reassures Ms. Villeneuve from the interveners' office. In the houses, activities are offered — counsellors provide information and are present to assist residents, but nothing is forced. This is how women's houses claim a feminist approach: helping women regain control of their lives is not giving them orders.

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“They never judged me, I was never told not to go back with him. Finally, someone let me think,” tells us Chloé, who ended up staying for almost a month before moving with her children.

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‍External services, 24/7 listening

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‍Accommodation is not the only service offered by the houses. “We are help and accommodation houses. It is this Help that makes a difference,” insists Chantal Arseneault.

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Behind this formal name lies a little-known support: that of specialized interveners available 24/7 to listen, advise and inform.

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“Are you in doubt about your relationship? Call! We'll be there. It is a great help, because the follow-up is adapted to each situation. The aim is not to get a woman to leave her spouse or file a complaint,” explains Kim-Anny McGrail-Larouche, external service worker at Hina House.

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For Georgia Dib, who works at Maison L'Esther, this service is an excellent “safety net” and prevention. It allows them to assess the danger of a situation before it degenerates and leads to feminicide. External services are an alternative to the CLSC, where getting psychological follow-up can take four to six months. “Our counsellors are not psychologists, but they specialize in domestic violence, which is a specific problem,” says Ms. Dib.

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‍Discussion groups to talk and understand each other

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‍In addition to shelters and shelters, women can also contact their local women's center. Among the 82 centers of the L'R group of Quebec women's centers, we find Halte-Femmes, an organization established for 37 years in Montreal North. Its purpose? To be a place where all women in the neighborhood can meet and discuss. The center has become a “home base” for women in the neighborhood, a place to live and activities of all kinds. “We do informal interventions on a daily basis, creating relationships of trust so that they feel comfortable asking for help. It breaks the isolation,” says Funmilayo Sonnus, programming manager on the phone. This location makes the centers very accessible to women. Since its inception, the organization has offered a Domestic Violence Support Group. Free, it is for everyone, whether they are wondering about their relationship or have begun their journey to recover from domestic violence.This is the case of Chloé. After her stay in the shelter, the young mother focuses on her children and her survival, between shared custody and the harassment of her former spouse. The months go by and his frenzied life continues. On March 24, 2021, she was in front of her television set when Ingrid Falaise was invited by Pénélope McQuade to talk about the second part of her documentary Facing Monsters: Rebuilding.

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“It woke me up. It wasn't settled,” reports Chloé. That's how she ended up in the Halte-Femmes discussion group. And again, she hesitates and worries. “I was wondering if I was going to correspond, if I was too sensitive, if my story was going to be judged or if it was really domestic violence,” she says. Faced with their doubts, the group's response was unanimous: “We believe you! “The women seemed to believe in what I went through more than I did,” laughs Chloe. “It's not up to us to tell them what they're going through.” We are there to equip them, to allow them to make decisions, to understand that this is not a normal pattern in a relationship,” recalls Funmilayo Sonnus. The self-help group gives Chloé tools so that she can regain control of her life and prepare for future relationships or relationships. “It feels good to talk about it together, we understand each other, we discover things about us,” says the young woman.

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Dare to ask for help

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‍When we first met last May, Chloé was just starting to meet Halte-Femmes. Still on sick leave, she felt better, “but not yet healed.” Today, at the dawn of winter, Chloé returned to work full time. She is monitored by a psychologist and a social worker and she participates in the discussion group at CALACS, the Center for Assistance and Combating Sexual Assaults. “All this work has had positive impacts in all areas of my life. It feels good to be assertive, it's a feeling of simplicity and harmony,” she rejoices, with happiness in her voice.

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If there is one thing she would like to change, it's the support opportunities for children. Although hers were listened to by the youth worker in the women's home, it was after their stay that they would have needed the most help. External services offer them, but when custody is shared, as is the case for Chloé, the father's consent is also required. The follow-up is still in the CLSC, but months after her request, the mother is still waiting, and help is no longer needed. Asking for help is the most difficult thing for her to do. Today, she wants more than anything to encourage women who are hesitant to listen to their “little voice” and, above all, to ask questions: “It's okay to ask for help to see more clearly. If a woman is not feeling well in her relationship, that's enough.”

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 Fighting domestic violence on all fronts

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‍Intervention is not the only weapon in the face of domestic violence. To tackle what they define as a societal problem, social workers struggle on all fronts, increasing training, workshops, education and awareness raising. In Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu, for example, Maison Hina has created two positions dedicated to awareness-raising in schools, especially at CEGEP, but also with organizations, the police and CLSCs. Since 2004, they have been active and present on all committees. It started around 2004. “In 2007, we set up a workshop in elementary and secondary schools,” explain Nancy Patry and Jennyfer Bonneau, the two stakeholders managing this project. Since then, the projects have followed one another, but they are overwhelmed and would like to see the outreach team expanded. For them, “it is an opportunity to educate and perpetuate the values of the house.”

‍To go further: other resources to talk or help each other

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‍— CALACS can offer support groups to people who have been sexually assaulted.

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— 2nd stage houses offer affordable housing for women who have experienced domestic violence.— Emergency Financial Assistance (AFU) to support victims of sexual and domestic violence who urgently need to leave their homes. This assistance will be contracted by the organizations SOS Violence Conjugale, Info-aide, shelters, help centers or the police.