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This article is the second part of our report on consent. The first has the title” Understanding the unsaid aspects of consent ”.
Previously, Valérie Hébert-Gentile practiced professional cuddling: she gave hugs to her clients, according to their requests and without batting an eye. Until I suffered from professional exhaustion. “I wanted to make people happier with my hugs, but I didn't respect my limits,” says Valérie, who everyone calls Alie.
In her professional practice as a hug giver, the customer was king and her wishes had to be fulfilled, even when the request did not suit Alie. Gradually, a feeling of discomfort set in. And it was through training in the United States that Alie understood that she had to say no to requests that she did not like, even with a client.
“It's going to be a hug anyway if I'm not comfortable,” she explains. She now practices cuddle therapy with Calia, the first cuddle therapy institute in Montreal, but with consent at the heart of her workshops. She is convinced that hugs are a valuable tool in educating about consent.
During these workshops, participants are simply invited to give each other hugs to practice the concept in a safe and caring environment. This is in order to apply it in their daily lives and in their relationships.
The basics of consent
Ms. Hébert-Gentile came up with an acronym to make it easier to remember the fundamental concepts related to consent: REAL — for Reversible, Enlightened, Enthusiastic, Enthusiastic, Free and Specific. Saying yes once does not necessarily involve everything. “In my generation, we didn't learn that! If I say yes once, I'm supposed to go all the way! But I can withdraw, I have the right! ” she exclaims. Accepting one thing in particular does not mean agreeing to everything: consent is always reversible And specific to a specific action.
A concept she places a lot of emphasis on. Consent must also be Free from any constraint, from any power relationship and from any fear of hurting the other. He is at the same time Enlightened, because everyone must be aware of themselves, their intentions, and enthusiastic.
“You have to ask yourself the question and tell yourself that, if you hesitate, it's because one part of you doesn't want to and another part is trying to convince yourself. In case of doubt, we abstain! ” summarizes Ms. Hébert-Gentile.
To those who criticize the complexity of the concept of consent and the fact of asking for permission every time to ensure the enthusiasm of the other person, she replies that “asking is not necessarily boring.”
As a couple, asking can be sexy. With friends or family, asking questions can lead to thoughts that the other person would not have had if their opinion had not been sought. And then, if asking is not possible or an error occurs, there is always the possibility to talk about it: “It is important to stay on the lookout, to be aware of the reactions and needs of the other person”, she says.
The consent wheel to understand
The exercises that Ms. Hébert-Gentile offers in her workshops are similar to the consent wheel, a tool inspired by the BDSM community, where consent is central and codified. This wheel was designed by Betty Martin, a life coach and trainer. Other educators and practitioners use it to teach consent. This is the case of Anne-Flore Baron, Love & Life, Somato-psychopédagogue and Emmanuelle Duchesne, founder of the Slow Sex Love Life collective.
Among other things, they give personal development workshops devoted to positive sexuality. While sexuality is a central theme of these workshops, it is not omnipresent: the exercises offered touch on all aspects of existence.The consent wheel is a game that you can play on a daily basis to create moments of practice and exploration, whether with your child, spouse, parent or friend.
The wheel allows you to explore two types of postures: those where you give and those where you receive. “The two dials at the top are those for the action of touch and those below involve being touched,” explains Anne-Flore Baron. In turn, players explore the actions of these dials. Added to this is the concept of gift. On the left, you give or give something to the other person for their pleasure. On the right, the gift is received.
“This concept of a gift allows for an essential nuance: whoever touches can do so to fulfill their own desire or to satisfy that of the other,” adds Ms. Baron. The wheel makes it possible to practice all aspects of consent, everyone generally having one role in which they are comfortable and another in which they are uncomfortable. For example, persistent gender and personality stereotypes make some people more likely to act or take, according to their own needs. Conversely, others are generally in the service position, of the Map for the other, until they forget their own needs. If these patterns are already changing, the consent wheel is an additional aid in breaking free of them.
This tool is a way to shake up norms, reverse roles, and regain self-control. And this, with transparency and honesty.
“If one wants to touch the other's buttocks for his own pleasure, he should say it without making up his request with a favor: “A little massage would do you good, right?” ”, illustrates Madame Baron jokingly.
Exercises to understand what constitutes consent
For Emmanuelle Duchesne, author of 50 slow love exercises and sex meditation, it is important to be aware of all of its characteristics (social class, origin, religion, etc.) and to free ourselves from them so that they no longer represent an obstacle to consent. There are always situations where it is more difficult to say no. It is therefore necessary to understand why and to free ourselves from these constraints. She explains that the participants in her workshops were able to directly apply the lessons she teaches in their daily lives.
“A person who came to my workshops told me that once, on the bus, a passenger stuck it up when there was enough space. Instead of experiencing this inconvenience, she asked him to give her space. It went very well, and she was not upset,” said Ms. Duchesne. For her, the practice of consent is a way to regain possession of her capacity to act, without feeling like a victim and without creating tensions.
How do you spread free, enthusiastic, and informed consent?
Although very interesting, these workshops are still far from being widespread. They generally attract people who are already initiated, mostly women. For Emmanuelle Duchesne, comprehensive education in consent is required. “We are not being trained in consent. At some point in our lives, we realize that it is now up to us to choose, not up to our parents. Saying your opinion exposes you to humiliation and makes you vulnerable. But it shouldn't be like that,” she explains. The fight against rape culture involves teaching consent at school, but also among the less youth.Valérie Roy, a teacher at Laval University and a member of the Masculinities and Society research group, believes that mentalities can change through prevention.
“How do we change mentalities? We must address the entire population, at all age groups,” she says. For example, campaigns to prevent drinking and driving make it possible to change behaviours and mentalities in the long term. Ms. Roy believes that what matters is how you talk about consent. “If you talk about it in a negative way, it will give rise to the idea of deprivation. On the other hand, a positive approach can help get rid of preconceived ideas and stereotypes, and lead everyone to ask themselves what kind of practice they like,” she explains. This can mean bringing the person back to what they went through to make them aware of the consequences and develop empathy.
“You have to embody consent so that everyone can appropriate it,” she says. “Embody consent” to offer a model that everyone can identify with, regardless of gender. “Embody consent” to get out of gender stereotypes, which men also suffer and perpetuate. And finally, “embody consent” to live relationships on an equal footing with others.
To go further...
- Two games to practice consent: The yes and no game, to understand that saying “yes” or “no” belongs to the person who says these words. A asks B if he can put his hand on B.'s shoulder B answers yes. Later in the game, with A resting his hand on B's shoulder, B said no. A way to show that consent depends on the moment, mood, desire, in short on the mental and physical state of each person. This exercise may seem formal at first, but it often elicits laughter and profound discussions.
- The desire game, to practice consent without touching each other. A woman asks her friend what her desire is. The latter must say what comes to her mind, even if it is far-fetched and impractical. The person who asked the question must pay attention to what this expressed desire is doing to her (tingling, laughing, angry, closed), must say it, and then ask another question. The two friends then change roles. “For me, this game shows that just because a desire is expressed doesn't mean it has to be fulfilled. It teaches you to enjoy the sparkle of the living in desire, but without getting carried away. We enjoy the desire”, comments Anne-Flore Baron.
- Body agreement: a guide to positive sexuality, written by Nesrine Bessaïh and The Feminist CORPS. It is an adaptation of the famous book Our Bodies, Ourselves dedicated to women's health.
- In a Video, Nina Luka explains how the consent wheel works and suggests “the 3-minute game” to practice consent.
- The Ontario Teachers' Federation has launched the Wellbeing @l 'school project and the game of 3 YES of consent. A game for young and old.